In this episode, we continue our conversation with Karen, Wendy, Cindy and Dawn together and hear more from the group about secrecy and its long-lasting impact.
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The World is Addicted to Adoptive Parents
It has been ten months (310 days from today, to be exact) since I found my bio father Gus, and
reunited with him. And in those ten months I’ve learned many things too
numerous to list on one blog post. But today, here’s the one I will focus on.
The entire freaking world is obsessed with adoptive parents. Nothing has changed. And
before you say, “It’s just the Christian world, not the whole world…” you’re wrong. I
promise you on a stack of Bibles, it is THE WHOLE WORLD.
My story hit the news media without me even trying. The extent
of my “try” was writing Facebook posts about my father and I to my friends
(that were set to public) and made their way into the hands of the media. I was
fine with that, and actually honored. However, it has not been without
frustration.
One of my biggest headaches in this season has been navigating
media inquiries regarding my adoptive parents. One hundred percent of the time,
when any media outlet has contacted me, they have wanted to go there. Sometimes
literally! One media outlet requested to send a crew to interview both my
parents. I said no, that I would refuse to do the interview, if they did. They
backed down once I set that boundary.
One news outlet said that if they did not include my parents
in the story, their readers would, “not be able to handle it.” I pushed back on
this and was told that they (the media) would be bombarded with emails and
calls asking about my parents. I said, “So???” They said, “Well, you might be
bombarded with questions about them, too.” And I said, “And you don’t think I’m
used to that?” I set a boundary by saying, “If you need to contact my adoptive parents to do the article,
then I’m not your person and my story isn’t the one for you.”
Recently, I was interviewed by Haley Radke on the Adoptees
On podcast, and she said that she found the media coverage about my bio father
and I refreshing because it was centered on us, and not my adoptive parents. She noted that this is not typically the case. I
let her know that this was only because I fought for that, and set a strong boundary. If the media had their way, it would have been different.
I say all this to let you know…nothing has changed in this
regard. Nothing.
They still (even the liberal news media) focus on adoptive parents
first, birth parents second, and IF they focus on the adoptee it is third, but
many times we are not considered. The world is still very much adoptive parents centric.
I was assured multiple times that a story would be adoptee
centric, but in every single case, it was never exclusively so, as they
would push to include my adoptive parents in some regard.
Sadly an adoptee can be 56 years old, and they are still
asking to “check in” with our parents. And they wonder why we say we feel like
perpetual children?
I literally qualify to order off the freaking SENIORS MENU at
a restaurant now and people are STILL CHECKING IN WITH MY PARENTS.
How crazy is this?
Fortunately for me, I am not trying to get news coverage.
I can take it or leave it. Every person who has contacted me has been out of the blue and I have not
sought it. If they want to include my adoptive
parents in the piece, I can drop it and they can find someone else.
This just gets tiring. I really thought when I hit a certain
age, this would stop. But it appears you can technically be in your senior
years and people will insist on talking to Mommy and Daddy.
And nobody but us thinks this is bizarre?
Adoption and Coming to a Place of Peace
“The odds are that everyone sitting in this classroom today
will not make it through this course. Some of you will drop out because it will
become uncomfortable to deal with the issues that will be brought up in
this class.”
This was said by my professor this past semester in a
Christian counseling course I took as part of my bridge work toward my
doctorate.
The professor was right. I recall three people who dropped out
mid-way through the course. And among those who didn’t, it became emotional
at times. I cried during two of the lectures and I remember glancing over at my
colleague who is another minister about my age – a big strong man. There he sat
at his desk with his head in his hands, handkerchief up to his eyes, weeping.
What was going on? A considerable amount of processing our past.
It isn’t always easy for adoptees to come to a place of peace regarding our past, or even our present, when it comes to our adoption. For some adoptees, they can’t imagine it. Until recently I would have been among that number. I experienced what is known among adoptees as “coming out of the fog” in 2012. Thanks to a lot of counseling and support I’ve come a long way since then. I would characterize myself as having peace in my life in general, but as far as having peace regarding my life circumstances surrounding my adoption, not so much. Recently though, things have shifted and I’m ready to share. Warning: this is going to be a long post. 🙂
In times past, I couldn’t imagine myself getting to the fifth
step of what is known as the Adoption-Reconstruction Phase Theory. Here is a
graphic created by Amanda at the Declassified Adoptee that helps to understand
what it is:
I remember first glancing at this theory years ago and thinking,
“Yeah…right.” I spent a lot of time the past seven years between steps three and four, teetering toward five but never getting there. As much
as I wanted to believe I would someday be at peace regarding my adoption
journey it did seem elusive. I couldn’t reconcile the actions of some people and where God was in all of it. Going there in mind at all would take me to a very dark place.
I now find myself on the fifth step, most days. I say most
days because I believe there are times, taking triggers into
consideration, that it’s common to flux between the steps on occasion.
There are three things in addition to the eight months of Christian counseling I initially underwent that helped me in getting from
step three to step five. The first thing that helped was two Christian counseling classes I took this summer. Adoption was never mentioned in the classes. But I gleaned a lot that I applied to my struggles.
I
realize a lot of people have no interest in taking
continuing education courses or they may not be able to afford it. That
is
understandable. I
anticipated receiving knowledge but was surprised at coming to a place
of peace regarding adoption. Being a student in the Christian Counseling class and gleaning insight on helping others, helped me too in my own personal life.
The second thing that was beneficial was a theology class where the
professor asked all of us what theological concept we struggled with the most.
We were permitted to choose our own topic for a final research paper and I
purposely based mine on my greatest theological struggle. Working on that for a few months helped me
wrestle with a lot of the “whys” I never thought I would be able to fully reconcile. Questions like, “Where was God in all this?” “Did He feel pain?” and “Was he sad too, over my losses?”
I consoled myself many times with what I thought were the answers to these questions, but honestly I had never drilled down to answer the questions theologically once and for all. I told myself what I wanted to hear a lot of the time, to stay sane. Believing that God could have “planned this for me from the very foundations of the world” as I had been told more than once, and that he may have no feelings for my losses in the matter was unthinkable to me. I set out to find out the truth. My final paper was on The Doctrine of the Impassibility of God: God Can Have Feelings Without Freaking Out. (I didn’t write the title until I completed my research.) My faith was greatly bolstered, in what I discovered.
As I studied, I was reminded: God is not a human being. He is spirit. (John 4:24) Almighty
God is not limited in his attributes as mankind is. The fact that God can feel
grief or sadness does not mean he is also subject to emotional instability.
First, not every human being becomes emotionally unstable when he or she is sad
or grieved. Surely the God of the universe can feel without becoming unstable.
Second, God is not limited in his attributes as humans are. We are not measured
on the same scale. Scripture says of God: “For my thoughts are not your
thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are
higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than
your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 KJV)
God is a spirit and yet he has thoughts. It is not required
for him to have a physical body to have a thought. This lends itself to the
notion that a spirit who can have a thought would also have capability to have
a feeling. God has ability to do anything but contradict his own laws. It is no
contradiction of his laws that he possesses the ability to feel. God’s capability to feel does not mean that
he is subject to out-of-control mood swings. God has the capacity to be sad but
not shaken. People sometimes have a difficult time picturing one who is sad but
not shaken, but God is beyond what our minds cannot conceive and can do what we
could never do.
Scripture reveals that he is touched when observing our
sufferings, yet still holds the power to redeem all. “In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence
saved them: in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; and he bare them, and
carried them all the days of old.” (Isaiah 63:9 KJV)
I have come to terms that God allows things in our broken, fallen world that sometimes make Him very sad. And all along, He carries us. I learned so much in my counseling courses as well as in writing my theology paper about the love of God — a new level than what I had known before.
Pastor Linda & Me
The third thing that helped me was having some talks with my
friend, Pastor Linda Klippenstein, who is one of the pastors at our church.
From time to time we meet for coffee and talk things over about life and ministry. One day I was processing some things with her about seeing the very dark side of leadership and how to move through that and she gave me thoughts on coming face to face with the dark side of humanity in general. Our talks were not about adoption, but as she spoke wisdom into my life about the topic of the dark side of humanity, I began to consider it regarding my own family
both biological and adopted and my situation as a whole and it gave me some new perspective.
I don’t write here to just share what’s swirling around in my mind
but to encourage others. So, here’s the takeaway…
Don’t be afraid to wrestle. Go to the hard places and share your feelings, thoughts, fears, questions with God. Purposely go to the challenging area
sand grapple with the most distressing parts of your life and beliefs. Staying in
the fog is so much easier in the short-run and that’s why millions of adoptees do it. It’s
harder to force yourself to examine every angle there is and come to grips with what you really believe.
It helps to stay connected and open. Neither my professor
or my pastor-friend are adopted or have any close connections to adoption. But
they have both impacted my thinking about walking through the most troublesome
parts of life and arriving at a place of peace.
This post is not a how-to. We all have our own journey. My encouragement today is simply to keep your heart open and press on.
So, with all of this…long-term readers may wonder — do I still long to discover the paternal side of my family?
Yes, of course. But it is no longer robbing my peace.
Ep 2. From Heartache to Happiness: Andrew Zetterholm’s Second Chance at Adoption
In this compelling episode of “From Heartache to Happiness: Andrew Zetterholm’s Second Chance at Adoption,” join us as we delve into Andrew’s remarkable journey through the highs and lows of the adoption process. Experience the heartbreak and disappointment of his initial attempt, which left him searching for a glimmer of hope. But just when it seemed all was lost, a phone call changed everything. Witness the transformative power of resilience and faith as Andrew’s unwavering determination leads him to a second chance at adoption.This emotionally charged story will tug at your heartstrings, reminding us all that sometimes, life’s most beautiful moments arise from the darkest of times.