Bonus episode 1

  My possible new Greek
family member who for now here on the blog I will call Angela, has completed
her DNA test and mailed it in.  Angela has fallen in
love with me as a possible family member. I feel a pull in the exact same
direction but I am fearful. I am scared of my heart being broken and just as
much, I don’t want to disappoint her. And then in the midst of all these
feelings I stop to think, “Someone is this excited about ME???”  

The Greek Orthodox
church is the center of this family’s life. It runs very deep and just how deep
I cannot disclose here yet because it would give the identities away…  but I will
just say it’s everything to them. When I talked to Mr. Spin the other night on the phone for an hour, the majority of it was about the church. And he doesn’t even know I’m a Christian.  Angela wants me to come for Greek Easter
there. It’s not the same Sunday as American Easter. It is always a month later.
That makes it so great for me, as if I went to share Easter with them, I wouldn’t have to miss what is the biggest
Sunday of the year for our church here, to go there. Greek Easter (Pascha) is
also their biggest week of the year, and a time of great commemoration and
feasting. Angela was literally in tears telling me about it and wanting me to
experience it with them.

So I’m hearing all this
on the phone and my heart is saying, “Yeeeeeeeeesssssss!” and at the same time
there’s a part of me that realizes if we are not a match, it is going to change
all of this.

Angela says we can
always be friends and do all this even if we are not a match.I know all this. I’m grateful for all this. But it’s still going to kill me emotionally. Angela is already
texting, “I love you,” and I reciprocate and at the same time I feel afraid.
Then I tell myself, “At least I am not temporarily wrecking someone’s life this
time…”

In times past there
have been people who I thought may be my bio family and they have have DNA tested for me and if we were a match, it would have
confirmed their family member’s affair or something that at least one person in
the family would be devastated by. This time there is not that factor. There is
no one, at least alive, who would be hurt by a match on the DNA test. I am grateful
for that.

A friend of mine posted
this meme this morning on our leadership page, that failure is part of the
process and people who avoid failure also avoid success. It was right on time
for me.  I can’t ever find out who my bio
father is if I avoid approaching people, connecting with them, getting them to
DNA test, and facing possible failures to get a match. This will never happen without
me putting my heart out there once again.

It’s hard to put into
words the emotional toll this takes on an adoptee. Last night I called Regina
(who has done literally thousands of hours of research on my behalf and is the
one who found this family) and talked through my feelings. I said, “give me the list again of all the circumstantial evidence as to why we believe Mr. Spin is my father?” She did. And then, she could tell I was
really on edge and offered to pray for me, which was so
appreciated.

Last night I had a
nightmare that I didn’t have enough vacation time to go see my bio father, and
Angela if we were a match. (Which is not the case, I have plenty of time.) I
had this overwhelming depressive cloud over me this morning of wanting to stay
in bed and not get out, concerned about a non-match and disappointing Angela. And me.  My
husband talked me through that and I got out of bed and started my day.My mind is in a zillion
different directions today, but at the end of the day I’m realizing it’s
probably best for me to just fall hard for Angela and her family and embrace
them for all it’s worth. If it’s the real thing, I have given myself the full
experience of celebrating my paternal family in a worthy way and enjoying what should be wildly celebrated. If I allow myself the full experience of following my heart and loving them, I will have avoided cheating
myself of this experience due to the fear of “what if.”  On the flip side, if we are not a match, I will have to go
through the process of healing from yet another disappointment and starting
back again at square one. (I hate square one!!!) I guess it’s not actually square
one when you think about the fact that if it’s not a match we have ruled out
yet another Greek family in Richmond and have learned something in the process,
but for me if sure feels like square one.

So, my thought today
is, I’m going to allow myself to fall in love with this Greek family even
though there’s a chance I might need a case of Kleenex, a Razzleberry pie,
therapy and a week’s vacation to get on my feet again when the test results
come back.    Last night I started watching the services of their Greek Orthodox church on Facebook. I want to learn as much as I can about their customs and way of worship before I visit in person.

I love you too, Angela,
I love you too.

 Angela and I are not a DNA match. (Insert primal scream here.) It’s back to the drawing board.

I spiritually and emotionally prepared myself for it this time
more than any other before this. I didn’t stockpile Razzleberry pies. I’m not bloated today from binging. I am so disappointed but not slayed. I’m not taking off work. I’ll get a lot more done now that I’m not checking DNA results 30 times a day. I’m not laying in bed crying. I’m not feeling as if I want to check out of life and leave this world.  I’m stronger now. This time I’m just taking a big breath and moving forward with everything in life including searching. Regina kept working last night on the next thing. (There’s always a next thing.) Later this evening I will do some paperwork to send out on the search.Looking on the positive side, Angela (who tested for me) is still my friend and is “boots on the ground” in Richmond to help me with whatever I need in continuing to search for my father. Since she’s connected in the Greek community and knows a lot of people  who were living there at the time I was born, she is there to help.I did not share this yet here on the blog, but one of the reasons Angela was so eager to help me when I cold called her is that she is a first mother who relinquished a son for adoption when she was a teenager. They have been reunited in the past few years. She knows how important this is to me. She has experienced it in her own life. She wants to do anything she can to help me. We will always remain friends.Last night I texted with my sister Kim (who is also adopted) and told her I wish I didn’t care so much about this. She said, “why don’t you just pray that? Pray that you won’t care anymore.” I told her I have. It’s true, I have prayed so many times that I just wouldn’t care anymore about my bio father. That I could just let it go. But the gnawing never ends no matter how much I pray. I really have come to the conclusion that God puts an innate desire in human beings to know where and who we come from. I’ve met far more adoptees who want to know — who “have” to know – more than those who don’t care.

The most challenging thing for me on a daily basis is
forgiveness. The bible talks about the number of times we need to forgive someone — 70 x 7. (That’s another way to say — an infinite number of time times.)  Welp, today I’m at 3,009. That’s the number of days it has been since
my bio mother told me my father’s name would go with her to her grave. That was the
day she told me she would “never, ever tell me his name.” Shortly after that, she died. She made good on her promise.  Every day since that
day 3, 009 days ago, I’ve gotten up in the morning each day still looking at this face in the mirror, trying to find his face in mine. And in that frustration, I eek out the words, “I forgive you.” It’s a daily thing, not a once and done. Because the
longing to know him never goes away.  So
neither does the sad feeling about why I don’t know his name or know him.  Her decision affects my life each day and then I make a decision all over again to forgive on the next day and the next day and the next day after that when I
still don’t know who he is.I’m a believer, and forgiving is what we do. Even if it takes forever.

My original 23 and Me test that showed my cousin on
the “X” chromosome was more than enough to identify my father, BUT we went
ahead and had a paternity test done. The results of that are in! And of course
we are a match.

I would do whatever I had to do to prove to the world that we
are legit, father and daughter! We already knew but this is for anyone else in
the  world who needs to understand.