Secrets & Light Episode 2: Cindy & Dawn’s Stories

Gus and I already knew 100% that we are father and daughter.
We matched on 23 and Me with his nephew, and then we had a paternity test done
through a home kit. Plus, he remembers the relationship with my mother, and all
of that. Not to mention, I look just like him! But…

I want to have it done completely LEGAL, and something that
would literally stand up in a court of law. (Not that we will ever need that,
but I just wanted to have it.)  After all the many years of searching for him,
and the blood, sweat and tears, I’ve gone through…it’s way too much work and
means way too much not to make it 1000% official and have a third party, legal
DNA test done.  There are legal DNA
companies that are mobile and will come to any location and I hired one to come
out and test us. Here’s a picture of the lab technician doing Gus’s part of the test.

Now it’s legal schmegal, forever and ever and ever and ever
AMEN!!

Woot woot!!!

 I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second
now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In
one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I’m waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I
do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million
pieces. It’s that, “oh my God, we are back to square one…” sinking feeling.  In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the
encouragement of others.   

I am in a really good headspace right now regarding the
results. I can’t say that things have always been that way. There have been
times I have hoped against hope and known that if it wasn’t a match I was going
to be rather emotional about it for a while.  I am not sure why, but I am not
feeling that this time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through this so many
times. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten stronger emotionally. This isn’t to say
that it isn’t excruciating mentally or that adoptees shouldn’t take it hard when that happens. I
realize this is totally subjective as well. People handle things differently.

I’ve developed even more of the attitude that relinquishment,
adoption, sealed records, secondary rejection, failed reunion, and everything
surrounding it has already taken so much from my life and I don’t want it to
take any more from me.     

I want this to be a match more than I could ever
express. But if it’s not, it will not slay me. I’m done with being knocked down
and I am going to win. I don’t know exactly when I will win, but I know I will.