In this episode we meet Cindy Stewart and Dawn Tracz, who are both adoptees. Cindy and Dawn share their experiences of secrecy in their adoption stories.
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Ep 19. Open Adoption, Open Hearts: Amy and Anna’s Beautiful Connection
Join Amy and Anna in this heartfelt episode of ‘Stories of Adoption’ as they share their extraordinary journey from Green Bay, Wisconsin, to the unexpected joys and challenges of open adoption. From navigating the complexities of biracial and bilingual dynamics to the miracles that unfolded, this episode explores the power of love, faith, and resilience. Listen in for a touching narrative that transcends borders, embracing the beauty of diverse family connections. Discover the strength of open hearts, triumphs, and the lasting impact of a bond forged through the unique tapestry of adoption. Tune in now for an inspiring tale of acceptance and the unwavering love that transcends biological ties. #AdoptionStories #FamilyLove #OpenAdoption
I’m Afraid to Fall in Love
My possible new Greek
family member who for now here on the blog I will call Angela, has completed
her DNA test and mailed it in. Angela has fallen in
love with me as a possible family member. I feel a pull in the exact same
direction but I am fearful. I am scared of my heart being broken and just as
much, I don’t want to disappoint her. And then in the midst of all these
feelings I stop to think, “Someone is this excited about ME???”
The Greek Orthodox
church is the center of this family’s life. It runs very deep and just how deep
I cannot disclose here yet because it would give the identities away… but I will
just say it’s everything to them. When I talked to Mr. Spin the other night on the phone for an hour, the majority of it was about the church. And he doesn’t even know I’m a Christian. Angela wants me to come for Greek Easter
there. It’s not the same Sunday as American Easter. It is always a month later.
That makes it so great for me, as if I went to share Easter with them, I wouldn’t have to miss what is the biggest
Sunday of the year for our church here, to go there. Greek Easter (Pascha) is
also their biggest week of the year, and a time of great commemoration and
feasting. Angela was literally in tears telling me about it and wanting me to
experience it with them.
So I’m hearing all this
on the phone and my heart is saying, “Yeeeeeeeeesssssss!” and at the same time
there’s a part of me that realizes if we are not a match, it is going to change
all of this.
Angela says we can
always be friends and do all this even if we are not a match.I know all this. I’m grateful for all this. But it’s still going to kill me emotionally. Angela is already
texting, “I love you,” and I reciprocate and at the same time I feel afraid.
Then I tell myself, “At least I am not temporarily wrecking someone’s life this
time…”
In times past there
have been people who I thought may be my bio family and they have have DNA tested for me and if we were a match, it would have
confirmed their family member’s affair or something that at least one person in
the family would be devastated by. This time there is not that factor. There is
no one, at least alive, who would be hurt by a match on the DNA test. I am grateful
for that.
A friend of mine posted
this meme this morning on our leadership page, that failure is part of the
process and people who avoid failure also avoid success. It was right on time
for me. I can’t ever find out who my bio
father is if I avoid approaching people, connecting with them, getting them to
DNA test, and facing possible failures to get a match. This will never happen without
me putting my heart out there once again.
It’s hard to put into
words the emotional toll this takes on an adoptee. Last night I called Regina
(who has done literally thousands of hours of research on my behalf and is the
one who found this family) and talked through my feelings. I said, “give me the list again of all the circumstantial evidence as to why we believe Mr. Spin is my father?” She did. And then, she could tell I was
really on edge and offered to pray for me, which was so
appreciated.
Last night I had a
nightmare that I didn’t have enough vacation time to go see my bio father, and
Angela if we were a match. (Which is not the case, I have plenty of time.) I
had this overwhelming depressive cloud over me this morning of wanting to stay
in bed and not get out, concerned about a non-match and disappointing Angela. And me. My
husband talked me through that and I got out of bed and started my day.My mind is in a zillion
different directions today, but at the end of the day I’m realizing it’s
probably best for me to just fall hard for Angela and her family and embrace
them for all it’s worth. If it’s the real thing, I have given myself the full
experience of celebrating my paternal family in a worthy way and enjoying what should be wildly celebrated. If I allow myself the full experience of following my heart and loving them, I will have avoided cheating
myself of this experience due to the fear of “what if.” On the flip side, if we are not a match, I will have to go
through the process of healing from yet another disappointment and starting
back again at square one. (I hate square one!!!) I guess it’s not actually square
one when you think about the fact that if it’s not a match we have ruled out
yet another Greek family in Richmond and have learned something in the process,
but for me if sure feels like square one.
So, my thought today
is, I’m going to allow myself to fall in love with this Greek family even
though there’s a chance I might need a case of Kleenex, a Razzleberry pie,
therapy and a week’s vacation to get on my feet again when the test results
come back. Last night I started watching the services of their Greek Orthodox church on Facebook. I want to learn as much as I can about their customs and way of worship before I visit in person.
I love you too, Angela,
I love you too.
Mental Torture and Not Knowing Who Your Bio Parent Is
Yesterday was three weeks since the DNA test was sent in to
Ancestry. My friend Regina and I have both been checking for results
about 30 times a day. I know the time given is 4-6 weeks, however some people have
been known to get results earlier. I just keep the Ancestry app open on my phone, next to me.
This is my week at school, and I’m in the classroom all day
long hearing lectures and engaging in class discussion. Yesterday our professor did a
magic trick with a quarter, as an illustration. His execution of this trick was stellar, and every student in our class was struggling with moving on to
the next topic without him telling us how he ‘magically’ moved the quarter from
one place to another. He dismissed our questions and went on to lecture about something else and someone
would raise their hand and ask about the quarter. This went on for a few hours.
We just wouldn’t let it go. The whole point of his illustration was that the curiosity would drive us crazy and we would keep asking about how he did it. And
it worked!
Once he had proved his point he said, “Curiosity is a sign of
intelligence. Wanting to know is a sign of intelligence.”
I instantly thought, “Hmmm…I must be pretty smart!!” (Bahahahaha!!)
Once he told us the point of this whole thing, which was staying curious and going after what we have a drive to find out, all I could think about is the fact that I believe it’s literal
mental torture (no, I am not exaggerating, I really do believe it is mental
torture) to not know who one or both of your biological parents are.
My professor sharing about curiosity and the drive to know validated something in
me where I was comforted that I’m not crazy. Although it’s threatened to drive me off a cliff at times, I’m normal. There is nothing wrong with me. It’s perfectly okay that I don’t want to let this go, that I
can’t just let this go.
Just like our class needed to know where that darn quarter
was, I need to know who my father is.