In this episode we meet Karen Lynn, a birth mother, and Wendy Rowney, an adopted person. Karen and Wendy share their experiences of secrecy in their adoption stories.
For more information on the Adoption Council of Ontario, visit www.adoption.on.ca.
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Bio Father Search: The Cold Case Just Got Hot!
Mr. Spin has the beginnings of dementia. This explains the merry-go-round of a conversation we had earlier this week. How do I know this? I called one of his
relatives that would be my cousin. (He has no bio children that we know of). I explained my situation and
made a plea for her to help me by taking a DNA test to reveal whether I am part of their family or not.
I hit the jackpot! She is nothing short of amazing!! She was overjoyed to help me. Before I told her anything about me personally, she mentioned something about feeling like, “this is the Lord.” I said, “Oh you’re a Christian? Well, so am I…” and things just took off from there. When I say we hit it off I mean like…we
already have plans to visit each other in person! She explained to me that although Mr. Spin has not been officially diagnosed with dementia, it is understood among the family that he has it. She had total compassion on my situation and welcomed me with open arms as a friend, and hopefully as family. As I sit here and update this blog at 11:00 PM, she is still texting me telling me how excited she is about this. It’s so great to have someone actually EXCITED about DNA testing for me, wanting this to be a match.
So, moments after our initial phone conversation I ordered a DNA
test through Amazon and she will have it Tuesday. I am pinching myself. If this is my paternal family, I already have at least one person who wants a relationship with me and has welcomed me with open arms.We’ve been sitting here on what has seemed like a
dead end for a few years. Although it’s seemed hopeless, Gayle Lechner and Regina Zimberlin have never given up and have worked the DNA, the trees and the circumstantial evidence relentlessly. Even when I felt overwhelmed like I couldn’t go another step they kept working it. And now suddenly, there’s a breakthrough and a possible definitive
answer. In a few weeks, I will know whether Mr. Spin and I are a match.
And now we wait. There is no suspense like waiting for a DNA test result. I hope I never have to know what it’s like again after this.
She is Not the Victor!
Today makes 10 days
since the DNA test was sent in. It feels as slow as molasses.
This isn’t my first rodeo with waiting on a DNA test and one thing I have learned is that the only
way to stay half way sane is by immersing myself in activity.
It’s difficult to not
think about the results 24/7.
Lucky for me, I lead a pretty busy life all the time. There’s
always plenty of work beckoning me for my job as well as things at home and
school. We’ve been on a staycation this week but there has still been constant cooking, cleaning, and we’ve been doing some special projects. Since I have five book reviews due in the next 10 days for school, I’m pretty immersed
in that as well, When you’re in grad
school it doesn’t matter what else is happening — you just stick with it if you’re going to finish. Over the last few years, even if it’s been my most hectic work week, or I’ve been on the road for work, or someone has died, or anything really – school work has to go on if I’m going to succeed with it.
Livvy has been with us
this week and that has been good for me too. I’ve taken her swimming a few
times, and we went putt putt golfing. It’s easy to get taken up with anything
she’s involved in, as I treasure every moment with her.We went to a new Mediterranean restaurant in the area that was out of this world. She’s an extremely picky eater and even she loved it.
I’ve heard that Covid
19 has slowed down some of the results from getting in as fast with the various DNA companies but I’m hoping
that doesn’t happen.
If it’s a match, I have
so many plans I don’t even know where to start first!! (Except screaming with
glee.) I’m already planning a party, as well as a visit to Richmond.
If it’s not a match, I’ll
probably be numb about it for a day or two. Hopefully it’s not a day I have to preach but
if it is, it’ll be okay. I tend to do alright even in that case as I lean on
the Lord even more than I normally would. And that’s always a win!
I know I’m going to be
okay no matter the outcome. I’m just really, really tired of the same outcome
for 54 years. This has been going on for so long. I’m ready for victory over the not knowing.The not knowing is the worst.
When my bio mother
died, Michele, an adoptee friend who is a strong Christian, simply wrote five words on
my Facebook page, “She is not the victor!” That stuck with me.
Hundreds of people were
writing on my page, texting me, calling me when I posted that she had died. Most of
them were upset, not just that she died but because they realized that when she
died she took the secret to the grave with her. They all assumed (and they were right) that I
was feeling all hope was gone. If I had to characterize the main thing I felt, that was it. Hope was lost. Michele’s declaration was what I needed to hear
in that moment. It held me for the months following and it holds me now. Anytime I get really discouraged I think to myself, “She is NOT the victor!!”And I remind myself, I’m actually still alive.I’m still here. And I’m not giving up!”I remind myself that while she took the secret to the grave with her, that’s where she is — in a grave. I’m still walking the planet, and I’m still searching and I’ve got great people with me who are also committed to the search. I remind myself – IT’S NOT OVER. She doesn’t get to write the end of the story. And when I do get a DNA match, I may
even get a cake at Publix that says, “She is not the victor!”
Enjoy Your Life While You Wait
I’ve been waiting to know who my biological father is for 54
years. It shouldn’t be this way for anyone on the planet. It’s simply absurd that any human being would not know where they come from. But for some of us,
it’s reality. And, as wonderful as your current life may be, you still want to know where it all originated. I’ve had some sad days in the journey of waiting to
know my bio father, or know about him if he’s no longer living or rejects me. But long ago I decided I wasn’t going to let it
steal my joy. Ziplining with my family in Mexico.Life is never problem free. So, we’ve got learn to enjoy our life even
though we have troubles. Doing my Titanic pose in Guatemala last year.I’ve been waiting so long to know who my bio father is, it’s hard to imagine not being in the circumstance anymore of not knowing who I come from. But that day is coming.
As I wait for it, I’m going to enjoy the heck out of life. I make it a point to celebrate everything from the mundane to the
miraculous.
I savor my first cup of coffee in the morning and actually
start thinking about it the night before. (Yes, seriously. Sometimes I break down and make a cup at night even though I know the caffeine isn’t a good idea.) I never get tired of the coffee bar my husband surprised me with a few years ago when I came home from Africa. It’s never lost on me what an amazing man he is to do this for me. Speaking of my husband, he’s been mine for 33 years of marriage and two years of dating. We still enjoy each other. Plenty of people complained during the pandemic that their partner was driving them crazy and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Not us. We found out, we still like each other. From an itty bitty studio apartment our first year of marriage where we didn’t have two nickels to rub together…to now when we are blessed beyond belief… We are still happy. This was my face when he surprised me on my birthday two years ago with an upgrade to a suite on our cruise. I was happy during the early days of marriage when I was figuring out how to make a package of four pieces of chicken last an entire week. I would mix it with a few potatoes, onions and a can of tomatoes and stew it. It got us through and we were loving life. I’m just as happy now when he’s surprising me with crazy nice stuff but if it all went away tomorrow, I would still be happy. It’s not about material things, but I’m thankful for everything. I treasure every moment with my family. I can’t wait to do the
next thing with them.Family Cruise to Alaska 2019Jordan, Tori and Mila Livvy and Brody I adore our sweet puppy. Manchester Shrodes
Manny is my unofficial support animal, my official snuggle buddy and nap partner.I take time to really celebrate every success at work before
moving on to the next project. Thrive 2019 at the Ocean Center Arena, Daytona Beach I am mindful with every class I take at SEU what a blessing it is to have the opportunity to further my education . I am
appreciative of every moment with my classmates, knowing that we won’t always have
these times together as a group. We will graduate in May 2022 and our lives
will go on.
As much as I love to travel and explore, I take joy in being at home relaxing on a rainy day, reading books from another special space Larry created for me. Books have ALWAYS made me happy…Yes, this is really me, taking every opportunity to read.Walking outdoors and bike riding always makes me feel on top of the world. Like I could do anything, and solve the world’s problems. Bike riding in Alaska – 2019.Bath bombs,
body butter, and the coziness of candlelight make me really happy. Actually, ridiculously happy. I light candles every day at our home.I am fond of creating meals for our family or going out to dinner. I get excited just to set the table. Taking photos is a regular thing, like with the eggplant this past week that I made for us to celebrate Lexi’s homeschooling accomplishments with the kids.
I don’t have to wait until I have found my bio father and paternal
family to enjoy life to the fullest. But that doesn’t mean I don’t really want to find them. There is always that longing no matter how happy I am. I’ve spoken to hundreds of adoptees about this, and find a lot of agreement on this. Speaking of finding my paternal family…
There are more leads right now.
We are getting closer.
We never give up.Ever.
I have the best friends who join me in working on the search.
They have been faithful for years, especially Gayle Lechner, my favorite minion. She is still not done overturning every stone in Richmond, Virginia and I love that she won’t ever stop. Gayle
We ask the questions and believe for answers. We pray to find kind, helpful people who understand. Most of
the time we do. When we don’t, I remind
myself that nothing worth it is every easy.
If you are an adoptee and you are searching, I
encourage you to enjoy your life while you
are waiting. Our family jumping for joy, back when the kids were in high school.If you have already finished your search and experience
secondary rejection (been there, done that) you can also enjoy your life
despite that terrible reality you face. There is life after secondary
rejection. That’s another post for another day.
No matter what circumstance you face, delight in the sweet
parts of your life. You’ve already lost enough. Hold on to happiness like a hair on a grilled cheese sandwich!!Fun moment with the Guatemala missions team last year. Favorite day!