In this episode we meet Cindy Stewart and Dawn Tracz, who are both adoptees. Cindy and Dawn share their experiences of secrecy in their adoption stories.
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Let’s Get the Paternity Party Started!!!
My original 23 and Me test that showed my cousin on
the “X” chromosome was more than enough to identify my father, BUT we went
ahead and had a paternity test done. The results of that are in! And of course
we are a match.
I would do whatever I had to do to prove to the world that we
are legit, father and daughter! We already knew but this is for anyone else in
the world who needs to understand.
The World is Addicted to Adoptive Parents
It has been ten months (310 days from today, to be exact) since I found my bio father Gus, and
reunited with him. And in those ten months I’ve learned many things too
numerous to list on one blog post. But today, here’s the one I will focus on.
The entire freaking world is obsessed with adoptive parents. Nothing has changed. And
before you say, “It’s just the Christian world, not the whole world…” you’re wrong. I
promise you on a stack of Bibles, it is THE WHOLE WORLD.
My story hit the news media without me even trying. The extent
of my “try” was writing Facebook posts about my father and I to my friends
(that were set to public) and made their way into the hands of the media. I was
fine with that, and actually honored. However, it has not been without
frustration.
One of my biggest headaches in this season has been navigating
media inquiries regarding my adoptive parents. One hundred percent of the time,
when any media outlet has contacted me, they have wanted to go there. Sometimes
literally! One media outlet requested to send a crew to interview both my
parents. I said no, that I would refuse to do the interview, if they did. They
backed down once I set that boundary.
One news outlet said that if they did not include my parents
in the story, their readers would, “not be able to handle it.” I pushed back on
this and was told that they (the media) would be bombarded with emails and
calls asking about my parents. I said, “So???” They said, “Well, you might be
bombarded with questions about them, too.” And I said, “And you don’t think I’m
used to that?” I set a boundary by saying, “If you need to contact my adoptive parents to do the article,
then I’m not your person and my story isn’t the one for you.”
Recently, I was interviewed by Haley Radke on the Adoptees
On podcast, and she said that she found the media coverage about my bio father
and I refreshing because it was centered on us, and not my adoptive parents. She noted that this is not typically the case. I
let her know that this was only because I fought for that, and set a strong boundary. If the media had their way, it would have been different.
I say all this to let you know…nothing has changed in this
regard. Nothing.
They still (even the liberal news media) focus on adoptive parents
first, birth parents second, and IF they focus on the adoptee it is third, but
many times we are not considered. The world is still very much adoptive parents centric.
I was assured multiple times that a story would be adoptee
centric, but in every single case, it was never exclusively so, as they
would push to include my adoptive parents in some regard.
Sadly an adoptee can be 56 years old, and they are still
asking to “check in” with our parents. And they wonder why we say we feel like
perpetual children?
I literally qualify to order off the freaking SENIORS MENU at
a restaurant now and people are STILL CHECKING IN WITH MY PARENTS.
How crazy is this?
Fortunately for me, I am not trying to get news coverage.
I can take it or leave it. Every person who has contacted me has been out of the blue and I have not
sought it. If they want to include my adoptive
parents in the piece, I can drop it and they can find someone else.
This just gets tiring. I really thought when I hit a certain
age, this would stop. But it appears you can technically be in your senior
years and people will insist on talking to Mommy and Daddy.
And nobody but us thinks this is bizarre?
She is Not the Victor!
Today makes 10 days
since the DNA test was sent in. It feels as slow as molasses.
This isn’t my first rodeo with waiting on a DNA test and one thing I have learned is that the only
way to stay half way sane is by immersing myself in activity.
It’s difficult to not
think about the results 24/7.
Lucky for me, I lead a pretty busy life all the time. There’s
always plenty of work beckoning me for my job as well as things at home and
school. We’ve been on a staycation this week but there has still been constant cooking, cleaning, and we’ve been doing some special projects. Since I have five book reviews due in the next 10 days for school, I’m pretty immersed
in that as well, When you’re in grad
school it doesn’t matter what else is happening — you just stick with it if you’re going to finish. Over the last few years, even if it’s been my most hectic work week, or I’ve been on the road for work, or someone has died, or anything really – school work has to go on if I’m going to succeed with it.
Livvy has been with us
this week and that has been good for me too. I’ve taken her swimming a few
times, and we went putt putt golfing. It’s easy to get taken up with anything
she’s involved in, as I treasure every moment with her.We went to a new Mediterranean restaurant in the area that was out of this world. She’s an extremely picky eater and even she loved it.
I’ve heard that Covid
19 has slowed down some of the results from getting in as fast with the various DNA companies but I’m hoping
that doesn’t happen.
If it’s a match, I have
so many plans I don’t even know where to start first!! (Except screaming with
glee.) I’m already planning a party, as well as a visit to Richmond.
If it’s not a match, I’ll
probably be numb about it for a day or two. Hopefully it’s not a day I have to preach but
if it is, it’ll be okay. I tend to do alright even in that case as I lean on
the Lord even more than I normally would. And that’s always a win!
I know I’m going to be
okay no matter the outcome. I’m just really, really tired of the same outcome
for 54 years. This has been going on for so long. I’m ready for victory over the not knowing.The not knowing is the worst.
When my bio mother
died, Michele, an adoptee friend who is a strong Christian, simply wrote five words on
my Facebook page, “She is not the victor!” That stuck with me.
Hundreds of people were
writing on my page, texting me, calling me when I posted that she had died. Most of
them were upset, not just that she died but because they realized that when she
died she took the secret to the grave with her. They all assumed (and they were right) that I
was feeling all hope was gone. If I had to characterize the main thing I felt, that was it. Hope was lost. Michele’s declaration was what I needed to hear
in that moment. It held me for the months following and it holds me now. Anytime I get really discouraged I think to myself, “She is NOT the victor!!”And I remind myself, I’m actually still alive.I’m still here. And I’m not giving up!”I remind myself that while she took the secret to the grave with her, that’s where she is — in a grave. I’m still walking the planet, and I’m still searching and I’ve got great people with me who are also committed to the search. I remind myself – IT’S NOT OVER. She doesn’t get to write the end of the story. And when I do get a DNA match, I may
even get a cake at Publix that says, “She is not the victor!”