Bonus episode 1

 I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second
now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In
one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I’m waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I
do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million
pieces. It’s that, “oh my God, we are back to square one…” sinking feeling.  In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the
encouragement of others.   

I am in a really good headspace right now regarding the
results. I can’t say that things have always been that way. There have been
times I have hoped against hope and known that if it wasn’t a match I was going
to be rather emotional about it for a while.  I am not sure why, but I am not
feeling that this time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through this so many
times. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten stronger emotionally. This isn’t to say
that it isn’t excruciating mentally or that adoptees shouldn’t take it hard when that happens. I
realize this is totally subjective as well. People handle things differently.

I’ve developed even more of the attitude that relinquishment,
adoption, sealed records, secondary rejection, failed reunion, and everything
surrounding it has already taken so much from my life and I don’t want it to
take any more from me.     

I want this to be a match more than I could ever
express. But if it’s not, it will not slay me. I’m done with being knocked down
and I am going to win. I don’t know exactly when I will win, but I know I will.

 I’ve been waiting to know who my biological father is for 54
years. It shouldn’t be this way for anyone on the planet. It’s simply absurd that any human being would not know where they come from. But for some of us,
it’s reality. And, as wonderful as your current life may be, you still want to know where it all originated.   I’ve had some sad days in the journey of waiting to
know my bio father, or know about him if he’s no longer living or rejects me. But long ago I decided I wasn’t going to let it
steal my joy.   Ziplining with my family in Mexico.Life is never problem free. So, we’ve got learn to enjoy our life even
though we have troubles. Doing my Titanic pose in Guatemala last year.I’ve been waiting so long to know who my bio father is, it’s hard to imagine not being in the circumstance anymore of not knowing who I come from. But that day is coming.

As I wait for it,  I’m going to enjoy the heck out of life. I make it a point to celebrate everything from the mundane to the
miraculous. 

I savor my first cup of coffee in the morning and actually
start thinking about it the night before. (Yes, seriously. Sometimes I break down and make a cup at night even though I know the caffeine isn’t a good idea.) I never get tired of the coffee bar my husband surprised me with a few years ago when I came home from Africa. It’s never lost on me what an amazing man he is to do this for me. Speaking of my husband, he’s been mine for 33 years of marriage and two years of dating. We still enjoy each other. Plenty of people complained during the pandemic that their partner was driving them crazy and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Not us. We found out, we still like each other.  From an itty bitty studio apartment our first year of marriage where we didn’t have two nickels to rub together…to now when we are blessed beyond belief…  We are still happy. This was my face when he surprised me on my birthday two years ago with an upgrade to a suite on our cruise. I was happy during the early days of marriage when I was figuring out how to make a package of four pieces of chicken last an entire week.  I would mix it with a few potatoes, onions and a can of  tomatoes and stew it. It got us through and we were loving life. I’m just as happy now when he’s surprising me with crazy nice stuff but if it all went away tomorrow, I would still be happy. It’s not about material things, but I’m thankful for everything.  I treasure every moment with my family. I can’t wait to do the
next thing with them.Family Cruise to Alaska 2019Jordan, Tori and Mila Livvy and Brody I adore our sweet puppy. Manchester Shrodes

Manny is my unofficial support animal, my official snuggle buddy and nap partner.I take time to really celebrate every success at work before
moving on to the next project.   Thrive 2019 at the Ocean Center Arena, Daytona Beach I am mindful with every class I take at SEU what a blessing it is to have the opportunity to further my education . I am
appreciative of every moment with my classmates, knowing that we won’t always have
these times together as a group. We will graduate in May 2022 and our lives
will go on.   

As much as I love to travel and explore, I take joy in being at home relaxing on a rainy day, reading books from another special space Larry created for me.   Books have ALWAYS made me happy…Yes, this is really me, taking every opportunity to read.Walking outdoors and bike riding always makes me feel on top of the world. Like I could do anything, and solve the world’s problems.  Bike riding in Alaska –  2019.Bath bombs,
body butter, and the coziness of candlelight make me really happy. Actually, ridiculously happy. I light candles every day at our home.I am fond of creating meals for our family or going out to dinner. I get excited just to set the table. Taking photos is a regular thing, like with the eggplant this past week that I made for us to celebrate Lexi’s homeschooling accomplishments with the kids. 

I don’t have to wait until I have found my bio father and paternal
family to enjoy life to the fullest. But that doesn’t mean I don’t really want to find them. There is always that longing no matter how happy I am. I’ve spoken to hundreds of adoptees about this, and find a lot of agreement on this.  Speaking of finding my paternal family…

There are more leads right now.

We are getting closer.

We never give up.Ever.

I have the best friends who join me in working on the search.
They have been faithful for years, especially Gayle Lechner, my favorite minion. She is still not done overturning every stone in Richmond, Virginia and I love that she won’t ever stop.  Gayle

We ask the questions and believe for answers. We pray to find kind, helpful people who understand. Most of
the time we do.  When we don’t, I remind
myself that nothing worth it is every easy.

If you are an adoptee and you are searching, I
encourage you to enjoy your life while you
are waiting. Our family jumping for joy, back when the kids were in high school.If you have already finished your search and experience
secondary rejection (been there, done that) you can also enjoy your life
despite that terrible reality you face. There is life after secondary
rejection. That’s another post for another day. 

No matter what circumstance you face, delight in the sweet
parts of your life. You’ve already lost enough. Hold on to happiness like a hair on a grilled cheese sandwich!!Fun moment with the Guatemala missions team last year. Favorite day!